By Stephenchen
It's the first time in 3 years he hasn't called. I wish I knew how to forget you. I wish I knew how to make this go away. 3 years. 3 years I have held on to the hope that you would be more. That you would be the one. And at times you are. And other times, you're the farthest thing from it. I just don't know. Something told me that you were the one. Something told me that you would be there when I needed you. Something told me that if I let it all go, if I stopped being angry about it, or judging you, or holding our past against us, that we would work.
I just don't know anymore. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel like you've boxed my heart up and I can't break free. I don't know how to love anyone else. It's like they're transparent to me. They aren't you. They don't match up. The first person who did, Mike, was a disaster. He was you on the outside, but without the baggage. Yet, when I got to know him more, I realized that we would never match. I am calm and collected, I don't do stupid things like get into fights, or act irresponsible, or do drugs. I don't really drink. So I left him and I said what the hell am I doing with my life. I found someone. I found someone and I keep messing it up. We keep messing it up. If it's not me it's him. And maybe that is how it'll always be. But another part of me says that it won't be. Something in me fights for this. Something as stubborn as I am. Something that refuses to believe that this was it. That this is the end of the road. It tells me to keep going. To be the best man that I can be, and not let anger or pity or self righteousness to get in the way.
To be a better man.
I am imperfect. I'm flawed. I know that. I am irresponsible sometimes. But I can't accept that all the time. I can't accept that I'm not the best person I can be.
I'm so scared. I really am. I just don't know anymore. I don't know anymore what to do, or what I'm supposed to be. I'm in a predicament that I can't control.
Was macht man? Wie ändere ich diesen Situation? Wie kann ich besser sein, wie kann ich stärker sein?
For god's sake, let this work out. And let me remember the one saying I really believe in.
All pain will pass
Alle Schmertzen wird vorbei.
By Stephenchen
I'm still in love with you.
Terribly
Deeply
Completely
in love with you
By Stephenchen
I love.
I love so hard it hurts.
I yearn so badly for the one I lost. But now I'm not so sure that it's him that I yearn for. I yearn for the security that it offered me. That idealism of perfection. I just want it to all be over. I want to be in someone's arms and have that be that. I don't want it to be a question, I want it to be a constant. And I'm hurting so bad right now. I'm hurting so badly for the one thing that I always tell myself that I can't rush. I just want it to be over with. I think that moreover it's the insecurity that it gives me. I am certain about everything. Except for this.
I've listened to this song on repeat all day.
It stirs something in me.
In my heart.
It invokes the love that I have into a raging thunder.
It invokes me to be me.
So grab my hand please.
Grab it and never let go.
Tell me that in the end it'll be alright.
because even though I know it in my heart
my head is having a hard time wrapping itself around the concept.
I hate nagging. Or feeling like I'm pushing something, but I need to know. I need this. Either with or without you, I need to close this. Because for some reason, God won't let me close it on my own. He keeps telling me to wait. But I'm not so sure my heart is strong enough for all that. I'm not so sure that I can take the strain that it's putting on me.
Pick me
Choose me
Love me
----------------
Now playing:
Me'Shell Ndegeocello - Beautifulvia FoxyTunes
By Stephenchen
Truth:
I am not scared to death of not finding love, I'm afraid of keeping love once you've found it.
I saw Sex and The City. And it's funny how I relate to the show. I know it's cliche to say but Tanner was my Big. Is my Big. I have no idea what the hell he is. I hate belaboring this point but I don't know where else to say this. Tonight was just one big fucking coincidence. Tanner and I always said we would go see a movie by ourselves, but we always chickened out. And I'm not the kind of guy who believes in waiting for the right moment, or those made for movie moments. But it was. The one movie I finally go to see by myself is the one that reminds me most of him.
And then when I got into the car, Hide and Seek was playing. And this is the story behind hide and seek. The night that we both said I love you to each other, we had sent e-mails to each other. And our thing has always been music. We would send mp3's to each other that we liked. And I told him I had heard this amazing song, and that I loved it so much. And he said it was funny because he heard something and wanted me to listen to it. So we both sent each other the file and it was Hide and Seek. It was just really odd. And maybe it was just a stupid coincidence, but it's special to me. It was special to us.
He said he loved me first. It was the exact moment that he should have said it. It was built on trust and trial and tribulation. It was tempered by time. He loved me. Little old me. Him, my very own Mr. Big, smart successful talented terribly good lookings, suave and had a heart of gold. I didn't understand why he picked me. I never will. But when he talked to me, when he said it, he said it with such complete faith. He was so sure about it.
When we talk now, I don't hear the same voice. I don't hear the assurance that I once knew. I know he's lost, and I don't know how to help him find his way. But I also don't know how to just be his friend. I know it's selfish and I know he did it for me, but I'm not like him. I can't separate how I feel about him and how he feels. I love him like a wildfire. I can't control it if I start it.
And all night the only thing I want. The only thing I've wanted for the last 3 months, is him. I want my love back. I want to fall asleep listening to him snore. I want him to make me blush, like he used to. I want to hear his southern drawl so bad. I can't even through away his god damned hat. I've been trying for the last week. I just can't do it. I don't know how to deal with this and it's tearing me apart. I don't know how to not love him. I don't know how to show him that he needs to be ready for me. I don't know how to slap him awake so that he remembers why he was so sure that he loved me, because I'm sure I love him.
I'm not scared of finding the person I love because I found him already. I just don't know how to get him back.
Especially since I didn't do anything wrong. I did everything right.
Help.
----------------
Now playing:
Imogen Heap - Hide and Seekvia FoxyTunes
He brushed his hand softly against the cloth of the shirt. He gripped it, tugging at it ever so slightly. He felt the bumps of the ensignia rising from it. He smelt the cologne that lingered on it, no matter how many times he washed it. It was the last piece. The last memory. He had thrown the pictures out. He had tore up the cards and letters.
But the shirt remained. It hung in the closet, pushed to the back. Placed behind the hoodies and jackets where you couldn't see it. But he knew it was there. It was such a strong reminder that it was palpabile. He could almost touch the memories it envoked, almost grab it like he grabbed the shirt itself.
It had come in the mail one day with a card. He sent it to him so that whenever he missed him, he could wear the shirt, and smell him and be reminded how much he loved him. It was almost like magic, how it never lost the smell of his cologne. It was a subtle, yet confident smell. Much like the person who it reminded him of.
He took it off it's hanger. He folded it carefully, contemplating if he was really ready to move on. 3 years was a long time to love someone. It's a connection that isn't only forged by love, but tempered by time. Yet even the strongest of substances can be broken, melted, shattered. Everything has a shatterpoint, and fate had found theirs.
He walked down the stairs, slowly, but not with hesitation. He was sure of every step he took. He was strong. Strong not only in body, but in spirit. He was decisive and sure. Even now, when his heart had shattered, he would pick up the pieces, wash them off, and come back for more. Not to him though. They would never speak again.
He couldn't be friends with him. They had never been friends. They had been lovers. They were passionate about each other. Their love was like a wildfire that burnt through their body and mind. It enriched them, sustained them. But if he had to let it go, he had to douse the flame and remove the wood. Never again would he allow it to light again.
He was not sad however. Love was as much a teacher as a feeling. And no one ever got it completely right the first time. He was a patient student. One filled with resolved to live this life without jade and self pity. He could take a hit, no matter how hard the punch. The sun would shine again, even if today it was black as night.
He opened the door to the garage and walked to the garbage bin. He lifted the lid and for a moment he stopped and stared into the black space that filled it. Isn't that the same as life? We jump without seeing. We walk through, even though we don't know what is to come. We perservere. We survive. We learn. We always learn.
And so he let it fall into the dark. He watched the blue fade to black and land softly at the bottom. And he sighed, like a weight had finnaly lifted off his chest. He would start anew, and this time he would do better.
He walked away, back into his house. And the garbage man came, and took the shirt away. But the flame somehow remained. Day by day though, the flame in his chest grew smaller and smaller. Sometimes he could feel it start to grow, when he was alone and contemplative. But he would dampen it again and again. He wasn't sure it would ever go away, but he was sure in his resolve.
A new day would come and he would be ready. The sun would rise in the east and he would look not to the day that is gone rather to the day that was coming.
By Stephenchen
I am now alone. Alone in the best sort of way. I'm not going to recount how or why, but suffice to say that I have let Tanner go for the last time. I am Alone. I have no boys. I have no former flames. I have no one hanging over my head. I have moved away. I now live far from the home I once had. I don't have the things here to remind me of there. It's not that I've run away, but that I choose to let go. I realized that all that shit I had been spewing about being strong enough to stand on your own was the truth. I am strong enough. And I have grown. And I will continue to grow.
I'll write more later it's way past my bedtime
----------------
Now playing:
Josiah Leming - They Sayvia FoxyTunes