Und alles wird sich veraenderen. Sonst wie wissen wir ob wir noch Lebendig sind?
Tanner sent me a message Friday. He's gone for the weekend to Las Vegas or somewhere equally extravagent, as that's his style. But I want to know. I want to know why he got on, because the only reason he get's onto Yahoo is to talk to me. He knows that, I know that, so does that mean he was getting on to say something to me anyways? I'm just ready to know. I'm ready to know if this fairy tale in my head is the truth or if I'm just making it up. Part of me says the reason I feel like this is because I'm going through withdraws. Because I don't have Mike anymore, because I don't have a person besides me. But at the same time when I was with Mike, and Tanner messaged me, something changed. Something shifted within me. I knew it when it happened. I knew it was fatal to my relationship, because as soon as it happened it was like I opened my eyes and once again became objective about my relationship. I realized I was putting up with things I swore I would never put up with. I realized that my friends didn't really like him and for good reason. I realized that he was however amazing with my brother, but that he put himself at odds with my parents. He doesn't come from a family like mine. His family struggles at points, mine does not. He had to pay for a lot of things, I don't. And so he felt like my family looked down on his job, looked down on where he was in his life, which is a lie. Hell my sister is a teacher. My mom's only concern was that it was what I wanted. That it was what I really needed in my life. I'm not the kind of guy to settle down and make a family right out of college. I tried to convince myself I was, but I know I'm not. I've been conditioned to move. I've wanted to do it since I was a kid. Hell I moved to Germany by myself when I was 16. My parents didn't make me do it hell they didn't even know I wanted to do it until they called to tell me I could sign up. I am strong and independant and faithful. I am caring and adventurous and I love breaking the rules. I live my life on the seat of my pants. And that wasn't what Mike could offer me. That's not how he lived.
And then there's Tanner. Always Tanner. Do you know what it's like to have loved someone for as long as I've loved him. Yes we break up, yes we disagree, yes we drift apart. But when we come together, it's deeper than anything I've ever had before. It's like the other half of me is back. He comforts me and soothes me. He makes me look at my life in a way I should. He has the experience to help me through the things that I need to get through. And he has my undying faith in him, my stubborness to refuse anything but the best of him, my love that is always behind him, no matter what. This hasn't been weeks, or months that we've done this. It's been years. Almost 3 to be exact. And I have missed him for so long. I have contemplated my future. I've weighed my options and how hard it would be for us to date, and do you know how I feel right now? Like I did when I first met him. Like I could take on the world with him. Like I know we could make this work, no matter what the odds. Because I really do believe that our love is that strong. That we could commit to each other and do the right thing. I would never do wrong by him. I would be faithful to him till the end. And when that day comes when we can finally be together forever, I know that everything will finally be right in my world.
But at the same time, it's not just me in this. I'm not the only one who has to feel like this, who has to commit to the idea like this. He has to too. He has to feel the same way, and who knows if he does. And if he doesn't then I have to reevaluate how I feel. I have to take in to consideration that some things that happen in my life, happen for a reason and if this doesn't work out, I strongly believe that this is one of those reasons. I love him, but I don't need him. I want him. That's the difference. I know that I can survive without him, that if he doesn't work out, there is someone out there more wonderful than even him. I would never sacrifice my future for anyone. I've proven that already. And not even for him, will I do such a thing.
I've moved to Ohio finally. I have my own room and my own space and responsibility. I have to go to bed by 7 every night, so that I can wake up at 5 each morning for work. I can't take my phone to work with me, because we're not allowed to text. And I'm fine with it. I'm doing this because it can lead to a job. I'm doing this because once my resume says that I've worked at GM, and not only that but excelled, I will be in an even better position than before to get the job that I want. To get paid the money that I can finally earn. To be able to pay off my debt like I'm supposed to. I am ready. I am ready and willing. On top of that, this is a sabatical for me. I'm not going to be able to have sex down here. I'm not going to be able to date someone. I live with my parents. I work rediculous amounts of hours. The only thing I can focus on are work and working out.
I've lost almost 20 pounds. I'm not back to my 6 pack yet. I still have a little pouch, but I'm gonna get there. I will do this. I'm going to get into the best shape of my life. I am going to dedicate myself to improving myself. I'm finally going to have the body that I have dreamed of for so many years. And I'm not going to let me getting intimidated by people in the gym, or allow me slacking off to get in the way. I'm going to do this the right way.
In the end, I know that everything is going to work itself out for the best, I know that my life will not end if something doesn't work out. I know that I am strong enough to be able to get through this, and that when I graduate, I will become the person that I've always wanted to be. I will go to night school when I get a job and get my masters. Hell I might even get my PhD. I know that I will finally be out of debt, and then be able to afford the things that I want in my life without having to go back in. I'm a frugal guy, and at the same time I'm extravagent. But I know it'll be ok. I know that I'll find someone who can go toe to toe with me. Who can treat me right and be with me when shit gets rough. I just have to be patient. I have to get through this and know that I can do it. I have to trust in myself and in the people around me who have supported me my whole life. I will succeed.
That's it I guess? We'll see the next time I can post. I'm sans internet for a couple of days until comcast can come out and hook my room up. Not that anyone reads this. That's the whole point of having a journal I don't give out.
<3
Steve-o
And then there's Tanner. Always Tanner. Do you know what it's like to have loved someone for as long as I've loved him. Yes we break up, yes we disagree, yes we drift apart. But when we come together, it's deeper than anything I've ever had before. It's like the other half of me is back. He comforts me and soothes me. He makes me look at my life in a way I should. He has the experience to help me through the things that I need to get through. And he has my undying faith in him, my stubborness to refuse anything but the best of him, my love that is always behind him, no matter what. This hasn't been weeks, or months that we've done this. It's been years. Almost 3 to be exact. And I have missed him for so long. I have contemplated my future. I've weighed my options and how hard it would be for us to date, and do you know how I feel right now? Like I did when I first met him. Like I could take on the world with him. Like I know we could make this work, no matter what the odds. Because I really do believe that our love is that strong. That we could commit to each other and do the right thing. I would never do wrong by him. I would be faithful to him till the end. And when that day comes when we can finally be together forever, I know that everything will finally be right in my world.
But at the same time, it's not just me in this. I'm not the only one who has to feel like this, who has to commit to the idea like this. He has to too. He has to feel the same way, and who knows if he does. And if he doesn't then I have to reevaluate how I feel. I have to take in to consideration that some things that happen in my life, happen for a reason and if this doesn't work out, I strongly believe that this is one of those reasons. I love him, but I don't need him. I want him. That's the difference. I know that I can survive without him, that if he doesn't work out, there is someone out there more wonderful than even him. I would never sacrifice my future for anyone. I've proven that already. And not even for him, will I do such a thing.
I've moved to Ohio finally. I have my own room and my own space and responsibility. I have to go to bed by 7 every night, so that I can wake up at 5 each morning for work. I can't take my phone to work with me, because we're not allowed to text. And I'm fine with it. I'm doing this because it can lead to a job. I'm doing this because once my resume says that I've worked at GM, and not only that but excelled, I will be in an even better position than before to get the job that I want. To get paid the money that I can finally earn. To be able to pay off my debt like I'm supposed to. I am ready. I am ready and willing. On top of that, this is a sabatical for me. I'm not going to be able to have sex down here. I'm not going to be able to date someone. I live with my parents. I work rediculous amounts of hours. The only thing I can focus on are work and working out.
I've lost almost 20 pounds. I'm not back to my 6 pack yet. I still have a little pouch, but I'm gonna get there. I will do this. I'm going to get into the best shape of my life. I am going to dedicate myself to improving myself. I'm finally going to have the body that I have dreamed of for so many years. And I'm not going to let me getting intimidated by people in the gym, or allow me slacking off to get in the way. I'm going to do this the right way.
In the end, I know that everything is going to work itself out for the best, I know that my life will not end if something doesn't work out. I know that I am strong enough to be able to get through this, and that when I graduate, I will become the person that I've always wanted to be. I will go to night school when I get a job and get my masters. Hell I might even get my PhD. I know that I will finally be out of debt, and then be able to afford the things that I want in my life without having to go back in. I'm a frugal guy, and at the same time I'm extravagent. But I know it'll be ok. I know that I'll find someone who can go toe to toe with me. Who can treat me right and be with me when shit gets rough. I just have to be patient. I have to get through this and know that I can do it. I have to trust in myself and in the people around me who have supported me my whole life. I will succeed.
That's it I guess? We'll see the next time I can post. I'm sans internet for a couple of days until comcast can come out and hook my room up. Not that anyone reads this. That's the whole point of having a journal I don't give out.
<3
Steve-o