I don't know how to explain how I feel right now. I feel like I walked through a fire, and came out without anything I knew before. Or a mirror. maybe that'd be more appropriate. I can see things, but I can't touch them. I feel things, but I can't act on them. I feel like there's a wall there. I know that the decisions I made were the right ones, but why does it feel like it's not doing me any good. I got comfortable, I got used to things, I grew accustomed to the familiarity of having Mike around. I accepted his faults, and they were huge. They were things that I always said I would never tollerate, but I convinced myself that we could work through them, because he was such a great person at times. But in the end I couldn't. I have failed at the two biggest relationships in my life. I ended both of them. And in the end, I feel like I will once again be alone for my life. My dreams don't lend to the kind of life that a gay man leads. I can't ask someone to give up their life to move with me wherever I go. But I can't give up my own to be with someone. I can't ask someone to do something for me that I wouldn't do for them. The things I lost in this fire. The people, the things..the dog. I come home every day and have to remind myself that he won't be there. I stay up so late that when I lay in my bed I have to pass out, so that I don't have to lay there reminded of what I gave up. I walk by myself all across campus at night and sit in the zen garden so I can try and work through these things. I say I'm fine when people ask me because I know that I am. But it's when I'm by myself that I'm not ok. I am plauged with self doubt. I am terrible when I'm alone. It's like I'm running up a ramp that I keep slipping on at the very top. It's just a touch to high. I used to believe I was strong. Now I'm not so sure. I just want to move on from this part of my life. And in time all that shall come to pass will. And the morning rays will glance off the rooftops, and I will know in my heart, that I will live to see one more day. That I shall live to give this life one more try. For that's what life is. It is waking every day and knowing that you have a chance once more to make things right, that you have one more chance to become something more.

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