I had a long talk on tuesday with my shrink. It was the last time I was going to see her until I came back from the summer. And I had a lot to say suprisingly. I'm never good with leaving someone, in fact I tend to try and avoid the situation mostly if at all possible. But I had a lot on my mind. I've been single for a couple of months now and I can feel myself getting the urge to date again, but more than that, I want to talk to Tanner. I know I keep belaboring how I feel, but hell this is my journal and I can write how I feel. I just want closure. I want to know which way the road is going to split so I can choose my side. However more than that though, I realized that I am only 21 years old. I'm still a baby. I'm not ready to make life altering decisions. I'm just about to start my life. So how am I supposed to expect to know one of the biggest factors in my life by now? And yet a part of me feels like I do know.
I'm scared. I'm scared at the fact that in approximately 6 months, I will be finished with my college career. I will have to have a real job, and I'll probably be someone I've never been before. I don't want to stay here. I want to move, I want to experience something I've never experienced before. I want to learn how to be a new person. Well not a new person, but a better person, a newer version of me. I'm worried about finding a job. I'm not the smartest in my class, I don't have the best grades. But I'll have a degree, I'll be bilingual, and I'll have had an internship through GM. So who knows what will come of it. Who knows what kind of job I could get. Maybe I'll find an amazing job, maybe I'll start somewhere and realize that I don't really like it.
I'm lucky. I have no debt from school. My mom is paying all my loans back. I'll be able to start my life fresh. I'll go into it with a new car that's paid for for two years, and with the support of my parents. I have the ability to go anywhere and to do anything. I have nothing holding me down, or back for that matter. I can move anywhere in this country if I want to or hell the world. I'm made for that kind of thing, it's in my blood. Give me the biggest challenge and I'll kick it's ass.
I'm better than I once was. I've learned a lot over the last 4 years of my life. I've had some of the most important experiences and changes that a man can go through in my college life. I learned to be ok with myself, I learned how to date, how to love, and how to break up. I learned what true friends are, and that even if you don't talk to them every day or see them all the time, it doesn't mean that you care about them any less. I've learned to correct my mistakes, and to stand up and admit my faults. I've calmed down. I used to feel like it was me against everything else, when I realized that the only thing against me was me. I've become more comfortable with my sexuality. It isn't a big deal anymore. I don't have to act any way other than who I am. I learned the value of family, and that just because you don't come from the same parents, it doesn't mean that you're any less of a sibling.
I've learned, I've laughed, I've cried, I've conquered, I've failed, I've stumbled, I've run, I've persevered, and I have given up. I'm just a boy who's about to take his first steps in the world, and for the record, he was right. So much of me has changed since I met him. I am a different person than I was then. But hell that's half the fun right, is coming to the end of the road, or the beginning of the new one and realizing that the boy who walked into the forest is not the same as the one who walked out.
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Now playing: Joshua Radin - Closer
via FoxyTunes
I'm scared. I'm scared at the fact that in approximately 6 months, I will be finished with my college career. I will have to have a real job, and I'll probably be someone I've never been before. I don't want to stay here. I want to move, I want to experience something I've never experienced before. I want to learn how to be a new person. Well not a new person, but a better person, a newer version of me. I'm worried about finding a job. I'm not the smartest in my class, I don't have the best grades. But I'll have a degree, I'll be bilingual, and I'll have had an internship through GM. So who knows what will come of it. Who knows what kind of job I could get. Maybe I'll find an amazing job, maybe I'll start somewhere and realize that I don't really like it.
I'm lucky. I have no debt from school. My mom is paying all my loans back. I'll be able to start my life fresh. I'll go into it with a new car that's paid for for two years, and with the support of my parents. I have the ability to go anywhere and to do anything. I have nothing holding me down, or back for that matter. I can move anywhere in this country if I want to or hell the world. I'm made for that kind of thing, it's in my blood. Give me the biggest challenge and I'll kick it's ass.
I'm better than I once was. I've learned a lot over the last 4 years of my life. I've had some of the most important experiences and changes that a man can go through in my college life. I learned to be ok with myself, I learned how to date, how to love, and how to break up. I learned what true friends are, and that even if you don't talk to them every day or see them all the time, it doesn't mean that you care about them any less. I've learned to correct my mistakes, and to stand up and admit my faults. I've calmed down. I used to feel like it was me against everything else, when I realized that the only thing against me was me. I've become more comfortable with my sexuality. It isn't a big deal anymore. I don't have to act any way other than who I am. I learned the value of family, and that just because you don't come from the same parents, it doesn't mean that you're any less of a sibling.
I've learned, I've laughed, I've cried, I've conquered, I've failed, I've stumbled, I've run, I've persevered, and I have given up. I'm just a boy who's about to take his first steps in the world, and for the record, he was right. So much of me has changed since I met him. I am a different person than I was then. But hell that's half the fun right, is coming to the end of the road, or the beginning of the new one and realizing that the boy who walked into the forest is not the same as the one who walked out.
----------------
Now playing: Joshua Radin - Closer
via FoxyTunes